


Letter to my Husband

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cheating, Divorce, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 07:19:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13829241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Open letter to my husband, who left us 3 weeks ago. Fairly graphic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I keep writing these letters to my husband. I needed to get some of this out, since I can't actually talk to him. Maybe someday these will be the story of my healing. For now, it's the story of my heartbreak.

God this not talking to you is killing me! I know it's my own smart decision, but I wonder all the time, are you ok? Do you miss home? Are you warm? Are you sad? Are you laughing? Are you smiling? Do you hate us? Do you want to come home? Are you thinking about me like I think about you? I miss everything about you. Your smell, your laugh, your smile. Your smart ass mouth. 

Fuck I miss sex. I miss sucking you down, hearing your breathing hitch when I swirl my tongue around the head. Feeling the hair on your thighs tangle in my fingers as I stroke your legs and push them apart. Love the softness of your balls as I fondle and kiss them. Suck em up into my mouth. You smell so strongly of YOU there. Whatever body soap you have used or cologne, there's always this sharp note of rain. God, I love your smell. Love your moans, you're "Baby, I'm gonna come"s. I miss the sharp bitter taste of your come on the back of my throat. That alone got me off sometimes. I always wanted to try things with you that I've never got to do before, but we've never had the time. Was gonna get a hotel on our anniversary and spend the whole weekend tasting every inch of you. 

I miss you fucking away between my legs while I use all the strength I have in one hand to choke you. Miss playing with your nipples to make you come. Miss the feeling of your come flooding me inside. Teasing you by pulsing my walls around you after you're already spent. Miss joking about who had to sleep in the wet spot when I took too long to get up. Miss your hands between my legs and your whispers in my ears. 

Miss you fucking my ass. God, nothing else ever felt that good. Those are my favorite memories. A little more practice and you'd have been able to get me off on that alone. Just fucking my ass. I would have liked to one day know what that was like. 

I miss cuddling. You sitting on my feet cause they are COLD. I miss rolling over when you're finally asleep and kissing your shoulder. Telling you I love you and I'm so glad you're here. Telling you all the things I couldn't seem to say when you were awake. I don't know how many nights I've apologized for being the biggest fuck up in the world. 

I miss having lunch with you. You coming to the office and writing me little notes. I always rolled my eyes but I'd take em out and read them all the time. To remind me why I kept plugging away at this. Why I keep killing myself to make a better life for my family. 

I miss talking about nothing and everything. I miss hearing how your brain works. I miss hearing your thoughts and hopes. I miss trying to convince you that you are amazing. Wishing I could just get you to see YOU through mine and the kids' eyes. I wish you could have. God, there isn't a word big enough for this gaping hole in my soul that you're supposed to be in. This void that is missing without you here. I can never tell you all the things you need to know. And now, I've had to draw the line in the Sand, and I know that's waving a red flag in front of a bull. But I had to do it. You had to learn, to know that I can't be here when you fall if you insist on that course. If you insist on divorce. I know those last words will be the last words I ever speak to you outside a courtroom and God, I just want to DIE. I can't take them back though. It's why I'm sitting here with a fucking email that I can't ever send. There's so much I want to say, so much I need to say, but I can't. 

I'm trying so hard to keep my faith in who you are. Who you really are, but you keep going up and down. Mad, happy, angry, depressed. So many people think you're doing things you shouldn't be doing and I'm trying so hard to KNOW that you wouldn't go that route. You wouldn't bring that into your life. But I never thought you'd leave like that, so maybe I'M the one who doesn't know you. Maybe THEY do. God, I hope not. I live in fear of the phone ringing telling me you're dead , or in the hospital. Or even worse, the phone never ringing because no one would ever think to let me know, except when the bill comes in the mail. 

You telling me to go get laid broke me apart inside. That you truly believe I could ever do that. It hurts so bad. I found the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. That you don't want me back isn't going to change how I feel. No other man will ever compare to you. Will never measure up. I won't settle for anyone else. I'm always going to want you. Fuck, I wish you would just think about me. I wish that I could just be as important to you as you are to me. You're my entire world. Not even the kids can touch this hole inside me, because it's your hole, it's your special Titan shaped place in my heart and soul. And it will never be filled. Fuck, I miss you so much. 

Life is just hard without you. You'll never know the pain you caused and right now, you don't care. I fear for the day you look back and see what you've done. I fear for you, for what you'll do. I can't follow you where you've gone. I can't protect you. I can't save you. I always swore to you, I'd be there to catch you when you fall. I'm so sorry, my love. I won't be there this time. I hope you know, that will be my one regret in life.


	2. Wednesday. Day 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is angry. It comes and goes

We got into a fight today. Because I called your girlfriend a whore. You defend her against the world, but she's fucking my husband. She gave you money and a bus ticket to run. You abandoned our kids and ran for this girl. This child. This nasty mouthed, horrible disgusting human being. This CHILD has you so twisted in your own head, that you can't see what's right in front of you. 

Everyone is telling you what you're doing is stupid. BECAUSE IT IS! Your life was not so bad! You stayed at home, raised our kids. You had the vehicle and the means to go wherever you wanted, as long as you could get them from school and me from work. You chose to stay home. I never told you that you had to. 

You've gotten into it with everyone important in your life! Your sisters, your brothers, your own kid! You cussed your own child out! Over something stupid! The child who is already clinically depressed!!! The same child who tried to kill themselves the night after you left. The child who had to be sedated because they kept screaming for you and begging YOUR forgiveness. You don't care about anyone right now. You're out living it up! Your family is suffering!!! And you're out getting high and fucking a girl who isn't your wife. You're too old to be acting like a teenager, dammit! I realize you lost most of your 20's to being behind bars, but Jesus fucking Christ, it's time to grow up!!! 

I'm so angry with you right now. The names you called me today....I never thought you'd stoop so low. You're the one doing wrong. You got into it with your BEST friend, your BROTHER, over that. You know he didn't so much care about you hanging up on him? You know what really pissed him off, what really made him threaten you? The names you were calling ME! YOUR WIFE! The one person you're supposed to respect and cherish. And you call me a dumb bitch and a cunt. What is wrong with you?!?! This ISN'T you! You don't act this awful. You have a temper, I know. But this....this isn't you, Titan. It was never who you are.  
I hope you can find yourself, before you or your whore open your mouths to the wrong people. You've already pushed a couple people too far and the only thing that saved your ass that night WAS ME! Or they would have drove the 12 hours to you, and messed your world up. Maybe I should just have let them. I don't know anymore what I want. All I can say is, maybe time will soften my anger. But you're losing family left and right, will time soften that blow for you?


End file.
